TWILIGHT BREAKING DAWN review by fog
November 20th 2011 05:15
woof woof doggie boy
I had time to waste, as I’d just seen a good natured animation, now I wanted something with some punch, so I checked out the times for Paranormal Activity 3, but it was two hours away, and I still had to drive back up the mountain. As I scanned the films above the head of the ticket seller, I saw Twilight: Breaking Dawn, and as I love a good vampire flick that seemed the perfect end of an evening.
So, off I set, hoping the youth of today had more than photogenic models to admire in this modern take on a favourite horror genre, the vampire film.
At the back of my mind I wondered whether the title referred to just the sun coming up or, more hopefully, a reference to a nasty, gory scene involving some hapless woman called Dawn.
Of course, I soon realized this was not to be. The opening scene shows eye candy Taylor Lautner ripping off his shirt and running pell-mell into the forest, which was kind of fun, but one wondered why it was only the shirt, after all, he was turning into a furry wolf and they don’t wear pants, or do they?
Naturally, when you aim a film at the lowest possible age bracket, you have to keep things ‘nice’.
Fair enough, so I looked forward to some serious fang work, from both the doggies and the vampires.
Alas, I was to be disappointed. This film was obviously aimed at the barely post pubescent young girls’ market, and some young effeminate fellas by the look of the audience, (before the film began, some dumb, bogan female kept calling out, “Are there any gays here?”).
Anyway, it is without doubt the biggest, sappiest chick flick ever made. The almost non-stop murmurings of sweet nuzzled nothings, cuddles, longing looks, kissing and the odd ‘love’ scene, well they looked like they were about to do ’it’, all started to cave my head in, as I felt like breaking wind more than waiting for the dawn.
WHERE IS THE GORE???!!??
WHERE IS THE HORROR??!!??
I could just barely contain myself from screaming this out loud.
Then the doggies began to look promising, when they had a big fight, but, the argument between them was so silly, I nearly burst out laughing. A pack of wolves are snarling and carrying on, and over the top of this are voice overs, for their characters, without lip sync you see. The makers may have decided that the doggies ‘talk’ via telepathy but, really, the scene was like a throwback to the 1950s and not a good throwback either.
GO DOGGIES!!!
Then, nearing the finale, just as I was going to ask the person next to me to slash my throat, it began to look promising again, the yet to be born (and rapidly growing) baby was slowly killing its mother!
In a boost for pro-lifers, the mother refuses to abort what must be a monster, a baby that both vampires and doggies want to kill, as they fear what it may turn out to be, but a mother’s instinct is strong, so is the desire of producers to avoid a higher censorship rating methinks...
Anyway, once again, gore is snatched from our eyes, with a nice little happy ending, dashing my hopes that a homage to ALIEN was to be realised, with an angry, vampiritic, little monster exploding from the mother’s belly. But no, all is well, after mumsy downs a bloodshake.
love scenes so soft they're flaccid
Words like simpering, cloying, mawkish and nauseatingly nice, come to mind, when I think of this almost bloodless blot on the copybook of horror films.
This film was less horror and more horrible!
For those who do not want to be scared, or revolted and shocked, it is for barely post pubescent girls, or boys, who still have teen crushes and daydreams of finding their prince charming.
I’ve got news for all you teens;
PRINCE/PRINCESS CHARMING WON’T HAPPEN, SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL START TO TOUGHEN UP AND GET INTO SOME REAL HARD CORE HORROR AND ENJOY THE RIDE COZ REAL LIFE IS REAL UGLY!!!
Image Credits and Permissions:
All images/trailers copyright presumed that of the Production Company and/or Distributor and Publisher, ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Images used here for illustration of product for review purposes only, low res copies not meant for redistribution.
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Mountain Fog
Comment by Bryn Tilly
Horrorphile
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
Screen Trek
QUOTE ME NO QUOTES!
So, I at least thought it would have some rather more mature and visceral scenes , but no, it was excruciating teen romance pap!!!
Hence my categorising it in "romance" genre here.
Never again!
cheers
fog