Open Graves a review
May 9th 2010 05:04
Open Graves poster (copyright see below)
Open Graves, a horror film by director Álvaro de Armiñán, written by Bruce A. Taylor and Roderick Taylor, shot in Spain starring Eliza Dushku and Mike Vogel, and a host of non-entities.
The film showed some promise, in its opening sequence, when we see a 15th century Spanish Inquisitor and torturers pulling out a woman's finger nails. At the end of the sequence we see a monk scurry away with a box, with a dragonfly carved on it, we see this again, of course. That scene promptly ends and we are at a beach in the present day.
Basic plot; a bunch of surfer dudes and girls are on holiday at a beach and are all about having fun in the waves and between the sheets, but one of them decides to buy a spooky looking board game from some weirdo. After suffering the moronic patter between the men about who they are going to bonk that night, a blackout hits the area, and instead of jumping each others bones, by romantic candle light, they play the board game...
The board game is like a Parker Bros layout with an entwined pair of snakes tower in the centre. Roll the dice, jump on a square, its either a safe spot, or not. If not, a grim reaper space called an open grave, you take a card and read it; and these cards have a 'spooky' little verse describing your fate, and if it ends in "vae victis" (literally woe to the vanquished) then you are dead and out of the game. Of course, the ingenius writers decided to translate the Latin in Parker Bros. terminology, as being, "losers weepers".
Other annoyances; the dice used are numbered in the Hindu-Arabic form, as we use today, but in the 1400s, it was not widely used, the well established form at the time being Roman Numerals, and since the board game was created in the 15th century....
Open Graves poster (copyright see below)
Excuse me...for a moment I got lost in historical particulars, which would be fine if I was discussing a good example of the creative arts, but in this case, I am not.
So, we are told what the game involves, we then settle back to wonder..."GEEE... I wonder what will happen next?"
This appalling insult to the horror genre then goes about its predictable and cliched route to its miserable and unsurprising end. At no time does it build any suspense, nor horror, and the group of 'young' pals, (actors obviously too old for their part is always embarrassing), are systematically bumped off by a series of events as described in the card they drew in the game.
The ludicrously over-played slo mo, (like when the dice rolls and the player falls on an open grave), with the camera zooming in to a BCU (big close up), just in case you are totally brain dead, with the 'spooky' music welling up, continually blights this offense to cinema, and is as irritating as a bad case of eczema.
This formulaic piece of grave trash begs and steals from various concepts in other films, without any disguise, ingenuity or guile.
The lot of the hapless victims of the board game has one benefit, you know they are going to die and you can't wait for that to happen, for with each death, you come closer to the end of this travesty.
To add insult to injury, we learn about the actual board game, made from the skin of a witch tortured to death at the hands of the Spanish Inquisition, by none other than Tomas deTorquemada himself, which is also historically inaccurate, as at the time, the early years of the Inquisition was devoted entirely to the trial of converted Jews and Moors, who had been reported under suspicion of maintaining their original faiths, (therefore heretic or apostate), the vast majority of which were able to escape death through being penitent, they were only burned at the stake if they were found to relapse after their original trial and penance.
Dominicans preside at an Auto de Fe
Again, I must apologise for veering into the fascinating world of the Spanish Inquisition...my only excuse is, (a): it makes this review more interesting, and (b): I went to the last Dominican Friars' school in the world, and they ran all the Inquisitions, and let me tell you, they hadn't forgotten how to flog the crap out of you after all those years!
However, had any of the Inquisitors seen this film, they would surely have condemned the makers and after parading them at an Auto de Fe (act of faith) would have lashed them to the stake and set it to slow burn!
Oh, one moment in the film, that was vaguely entertaining; when one of the girls suddenly ages into a frail old thing, and they try to revive her in hospital, by pulmonary massage; nice breast plate crunch and blood splatter, but it left you wanting all the cast to get the same, and right there and then.
I could go on, with more detail of the film's faults, but frankly, I just don't want to waste any more of my, or your, time.
Anyway, if you want to watch utter garbage and waste a 100 minutes of your life, be my guest, watch this film!
POSTER IMAGES: Copyright presumed that of publisher and/or production company; all rights reserved.
Fair Use rationale: For illustration and identification of film topic for review purposes only, low res. copy and not meant for copying or re-publication.
Painting image: "Saint Dominic by Pedro Berruguete; painting produced over 70 years of ago, and over 70 years since death of artist, copyright has expired and it is in the public domain.
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Mountain Fog
Comment by Matt Shea
20/20 Filmsight
Haha, nice one, Fog. I may just give this a miss, methinks.
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
Screen Trek
QUOTE ME NO QUOTES!
definitely do not bother, it will only make you irate that you wasted your precious time on such contemptible drivel!
cheers
fog
Comment by JohnDoe
Film & TV on DVD
It sounds like Jumanji 3, the inquisition..."what a show"...even with Eliza and her "skills' I think this also falls onto the not worth it bin....not that I needed the review to come to that conclusion.
Comment by Anonymous
Good start - ish, bad middle, bad and very predictable end.
I must admit the cover of the DVD was too alluring and it sounded like a half decent script - at first!
As soon as the word board game came into it followed by death to those who lose, i could not help but laugh and think BOARD GAME, during the Spanish inquisition??? pretty sure they were too busy killing non believers and witches to make up board games, i mean i just made a board game this year - it took a whole freakin year to make it and a team of dedicated people! WHY, WHY, WHY??lol, oh and surely they would not blatantly copy an idea such as Jumanji, and so it seems yes they had, except in this board game - it takes just a little longer to die, weather it be slow death or waiting to die in an over ridiculous fashion - just like final destination really.
No points for originality a bunch of American students, AGAIN!, based on a i wonder what happens if we,.. AGAIN! and takes us til after at least two murders to link it to the reason, AGAIN! oh and copying other films and then using crappier CGI is not my idea of a good film, just like all Sci FY channel films as of late (probably where this one will end up), just like what we love to call MOCKBUSTERS!" please google that if you have no idea what i am talking about. this even copys Wishmaster really.
No decent story, like most peeps think, the beginning was ace, i thought wow good so far, nail pulling _ OUCH! that was not the worst part of that torture.
SPOILER cover your eyes!!!
-
I figured out old (i say old i mean absolutely sexy, i have always loved her since buffy, ok il stop.lol) Eliza - was witch bout 30 mins in! so not really a spoiler, i aint that smart so you will probably figure it out in 5 mins.lol
Oh and Eliza, cmon gal you are meant for much better than this - pull it together!!! FIRE your AGENT. immediately.
It was a good idea (minus the killer board game - for god sake stop copying other films, some original thought please!!!)
Best death scene - killer crabs! although i dont know how he survived that fall anyway! let me show you how to turn that into an original scene - take note hollywood writers and directors, instead of crabs from the sea, why not crabs picked up from STD lass down the bar, would have been more entertaining, and funny.
Shame it got wasted, my advice watch if you are really bored! like REALLY BORED, like if you only have horror channel or sci fy to watch and there is already a bad film on - then watch it as it will buy you some entertainment!.lol
Sorry for the Rant, i just hate it when terrible films waste time in my life that i will never get back again!